Lovers End but Love is Eternal

I recently finished reading The Celestine Prophecy written by James Redfield. The insights in this book read all to true for me. At one part of the book the author talks about the struggle for power that humans can have. Redfield said that you can leave a conversation and you either feel elated and strong or weak and powerless.  I find this true and it is due to an energy exchange that is happening. If people cut themselves off from the eternal source of energy that comes from being open and appreciative of the beauty all around us at all times then the only other way to recharge is to steal others energy.

  

I have found that dealing with my injury I have become extremely sensitive to people’s words and to the energy they emit. There was one time when a stranger was talking aggressively to me and I just started crying. I gave into this person’s drama. He was playing an intimidator role and I automatically fell into the poor me role. When in response I should bring his actions to consciousness. I am learning to open myself up to the endless supply of energy. It has been a journey these last few years but I have always had sports as a way to top myself up with energy. Sports are based on a struggle for power, who is the top dog? There is the desire to control and dominate each other in order to “win the game” and I have taken this mentality into everything I do. I placed way too much importance and sourced too much of my confidence from my physical capacity. It has been frustrating but perhaps a blessing in disguise to learn how to love myself unconditionally. Love that has no reason, love that has no parametres and love that exists because I am open this endless supply of earth’s beauty!

Redfield then began talking about romantic relationships. During these romantic relationships people can gain addictions to each other however this is not a recipe for a relationship of longevity. If two people are one half circle on their own they will come together and basically form one whole person. The energy that is exchanged between them is large at the beginning and there is what I know of as the “honeymoon” phase. But his honeymoon phase comes to an end because the energy that is just going back and forth between the couple dissipates. However during this time of addiction to one another each person has shut themselves off from receiving the earth’s supply of energy. Now the couple falls into noticeable patterns of the struggle for power. To avoid addiction to one another people should only come together when on their own they are a full circle; they have unconditional love for themselves. Then when two full circles come together they form a sort of super being; two beings that vibrate separately on their own and when together there is limitless energy being circulated. 

I know that is a cliché line, “to love one oneself unconditionally before loving another person” but it is in good reason that we hear this so often. Even if the lovers are to come to an end there is that eternal love vibrating within to allow one to always feel whole!

Another perspective

Today I had an appointment with a spinal specialist at Blusson Spinal Cord Centre. I went in and it was a typical doctor’s appointment, cold room, gown goes on, very little speaking and the doctor gets straight to the point. But I understand... the doctors are in high demand and there is little time to waste.

First we went through some tests to measure the severity of my symptoms and if there is any nerve damage. He found slight weakness in a couple tests which is great improvement. This was a different story 1 month ago when I had no signal going through to my calf...quite alarming. After the assessment the doctor debriefed my situation. As always there is conflicting information in the medical world. Each practitioner has their own doctrine. The surgeons prescribe surgery, the sports med doctors prescribe pain killers, the physiotherapists prescribe core exercises. This is what they have dedicated their time studying and practicing and it is impossible to know it all. As a patient you have to be just that, patient, when getting different people’s opinions. As the patient it is my job to be open to this information and take with me what feels right. Today this specialist earned my trust when he started speaking past the symptoms. Yes he went over the physical situation, disc herniations, pressure on the nerve ect. but what he went over with me that other people have not is why at such a young age am I experiencing such severe disc degeneration?

He talked to me about spinal tightness. The spine in most 20 year old females should move like an elastic band when one bends over. On average there should be about 10cm of movement I am currently getting 3cm...no wonder I feel like a rigid board when I am moving. He went on to speak about how core exercises make disc pain worse and that I should stop all treatment that I am having done now because it could actually cause more damage to my nerve. Hmmm....and that is where my confusion and hesitation set in. I go to one person and they tell me one thing then I go to another and I get a whole other philosophy....so what to do? As I mentioned earlier I just pick out the information that I like and form my own philosophy!

Another interesting point that the doctor talked about was regarding the body’s reaction to the jelly material inside the nucleus of the disc. In my L5-S1 I have a large herniation where the jelly material is extruded and pushing on my nerve. He said that this material is flagged as a foreign body and the immune system attacks it. He said that it is different in every person but sometimes that jelly material can be like battery acid and as soon as it hits the nerve it goes dead. Since I am dealing with a bad cough right now that came on since I have been healing from this injury I immediately saw the connection between disc herniations and sequestrations and immune system function. I knew that there is a lot of stress placed upon the body when one is dealing with a physical injury but I didn’t know that the white blood cells rush to the site of disc herniation.

So what to do....visualize the nerve healing and my body absorbing the extruded jelly material with the help of systemic enzymes all while pursuing comfort.

No Prerequisites for Love

I recently finished the book The Alchemist. It is a wonderful story and one line particularly stood out to me, One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. I think this is quite a beautiful line and it is something that I feel I need to remind myself of often. There are no prerequisites needed for love.

Our Many Changing Identities

Throughout my life I have taken on many roles. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, an athlete the list goes on and on. To different people I fill different roles and it is interesting to hear my friends or family members introduce me to new people. My father seemed to always place a title after he would introduce me...  “This is my daughter Jessy, she is a swimmer or she is a volleyball player”.  I understand why he did this though be these identities fill a necessary void when meeting new people, it allows categorization to happen which keeps life simple. Otherwise we would be overwhelmed with too much information all the time. This is the same reason why we place people into stereotypes. If I mention, banker, football player, doctor, hippie instantly images and description words come to your mind and that is normal.

As a child I placed a lot of importance around these identities. Since this was how my father introduced me to people I always created this pressure to fulfill that role to the best of my ability. But what if I didn’t win my swim race, was I still a swimmer even though I wasn’t the best? There was never any direct pressure from my parents growing up to be a straight A student or a high level athlete but for some reason I needed those accolades to feel good about myself. Funny how that is something that I created and it stayed with me my whole student-athlete life. Once I left that role as student-athlete I knew to expect a slight identity crisis. However, I did not expect it to lead me to questioning my entire past!

Now, being injured those questions of, “Who am I? What do I value? What is my personal legend? What is my purpose of life?” resurface and get my mind going again. If I cannot express myself in a physical manner through hiking, swimming or jumping what do I do? I recently spoke with a volleyball friend of mine who is going through the same thing as me. She is in pain, cannot be physically active and pursue her passion of beach volleyball. She will be going for surgery in a couple weeks and I wish her the best of luck. During our conversation we both acknowledged negative feelings that have aroused during this time. I like to believe that it is during these hard times that we develop true character and allow ourselves to be more than our identities or labels. I realize that I am enough, just the way I am right now. I don’t need to be a world champion, I don’t need to climb all the mountains in the world, I just need to be kind to myself and kind to those around me all the while exuding gratitude and love for this life I have been given.

The Art of Relaxation

I mentioned earlier that I believe our thoughts have a a strong influence on our physical manifestations and that they are powerful enough to create injury and pain. With this notion we can deduce that they are powerful enough to dismiss this injury and pain. Recently I began reading the book Healing Back Pain by Dr. John Sarno. His philosophy is that most back, neck and glute pain stems from TMS (Tension Mysositis Syndrome). This can lead to symptoms such as sciatica, nerve disruption in the arms and chest pains that mimic heart attacks. The cause of all of this is tension held in the body. This tension restricts circulation, deprives our cells of oxygen and can bring about a great deal of pain even without a physical trigger such as a fall or sport injury. 

Since I have vocalized that I have been dealing with this pain due to disc herniations in my low back many people have reached out to me to share their story. I am amazed how many people have suffered from disc herniations and back spasms to the point of not being able to move. I learned their mode of treatment, the mechanism of injury and how they are doing now.  Everyone`s story is different but each person sheds light on my whole experience. When one is in pain I believe it is so important to detach a story to it and to not fall a victim. I think it is a time of deep reflection and a time of releasing repressed anger or anxiety. 

Dr. John Sarno also touches on going through the medical system to get a diagnosis for one`s back pain. When you go through the western system Dr. Sarno mentions that a lot of the time people leave their doctor in fear of what they were just told. If someone leaves a doctor and they are told they need back surgery, their fear and anxiety will increase which will increase their pain. I can attest to this as I have been misdiagnosed with a large ovarian cyst and the first thing the doctor said was this needs surgery. Over time and a few other tests it was found that this was not the case and I left with the doctor saying ``Let`s pretend this never happened``. My trust in the western system of invasive therapy and pharmaceutical drugs diminished even further from where it was (which was small to begin with). However I do respect that this philosophy has it`s time and place for some people. This is a whole other topic that I will further divulge at another time. 

At this time in my life I am continuing to learn how to really relax. I have always been such a go-go, multitasking person who is hard working, driven and always scheming up plans and now I am beginning to change my patterns. This is tough because these traits have become a part of my identity. I find that society rewards this type of success oriented, burn-out behaviour. I hear people almost bragging about how late they stayed at the office last night finishing their work as if they are searching for that gold star that they would have received in elementary school. For me learning to relax doesn`t mean that I am going to check out of society or not take pride in my work as I believe one can still be successful without being compulsive. And so far the breathing, visualization, physio work and connection/support from others have eased my pain tremendously and I am grateful for it! All is well.